Delia Plots to Fake a Miscarriage
(May 1977)

(Delia comes home after an altercation at Ryan's with Mary, in which Mary slapped Delia for having the audacity to say "I told you so" to her philandering ex-husband after his relationship with his mistress had gone sour. She goes into the bedroom, puts a small brown paper bag onto the bed, and goes over to the mirror, dramatically clutching her face where Mary slapped her.)

VOICEOVER OF DELIA: It's gonna be black and blue. It really is! Mary is so mean! How can she call me childish and then behave like that? I've never hit her. I've never once in my whole life deliberately hurt anyone else! She can't stand it that I have Pat, that's all. Well you'd just better get used to it, Miss Mary Perfect! Paddy is mine, and he loves me, and he's gonna defend me and stand up for me. So where is your husband right now? Just tell me that! (pause) My poor face.

(She gets up and goes over to the bed.)

VOICEOVER OF DELIA: Never mind, I'm not gonna think about bad things anymore. I'm gonna kick off my shoes and take my chocolates and my magazine and curl up on my beautiful velvet bed (takes off her shoes) and be nice to myself til Paddy calls.

(She lies on the bed, takes a box of chocolates out of the bag, and opens it up.)

VOICEOVER OF DELIA: Poor Mary, I should try and feel sorry for you. You don't have a beautiful bed and a wonderful new apartment (grins) and a husband to share them with. And you can't curl up on velvet in the middle of the afternoon with a box of chocolates. You can't even have chocolates because you're gaining too much weight. So there! It's gonna be alright. Paddy will fix it and Mary will get just what she deserves and they'll all have to be nice to me again. Paddy loves me and I'm his wife and I'm gonna be part of the family again!

(In the next scene, Pat, whom Clem is in the process of yelling at for leaving the hospital to go to Ryan's to mediate for Delia and Mary, gets a call from Delia. He is annoyed.)

PAT: Yeah, Delia?

DELIA: Pat, what happened, did you see them?

PAT: Yeah, listen, I spoke to them and things will be much better from now on.

DELIA: Well, what did Mary say? I guess she made it like it was my fault, right?


DELIA: Well I don't know what she said, but, please, don't believe her!

PAT: Well, look, just calm down, okay? I talked to Mary, and nothing like that is gonna happen again.

DELIA: I just want you to know, I'm very brave about this, so I want to know everything that she said. I want to know!

PAT: When I see you! Right now, I have to go back to work.

DELIA: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Don't go yet. Uhmm...what about Maeve and Johnny?

PAT: It was a misunderstanding, that's all. You know they still care about you. Delia, I gotta go!

DELIA: One half hour! Can I see you for a half hour?

PAT: No, I don't think that's possible.

DELIA: Well, what about dinner? You've gotta eat something. I know, I'll get a pizza.

PAT: I don't get a dinner break! You know that! I'll grab a bite when I get a chance.

DELIA: (whining) Awww, Pat!

PAT: I've gotta go.

DELIA: Pat, look, I'm asking you for a half hour. Please?

PAT: I am sorry, but you have got to understand that I am on duty for the next thirty-six hours! I have to be here, on the floor, ready to work, without any distractions! Now, I don't want you to call me again and I don't want you to come by hoping to see me! Now, whatever happens, Dee, you're gonna have to cope with it on your own.

DELIA: Well, what if I need you?

PAT: You have your brother, you have my family...

DELIA: But Paddy...

PAT: No, now listen! I don't want you to call me again. I'm gonna see you when I get off duty.

DELIA: Oh, Paddy...

PAT: Goodbye.

(He hangs up. Delia, meanwhile, picks up a red satin pillow in the shape of lips and starts pounding it on the bed.)

DELIA: (in a fit) I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! Just like when Frank was at the law office! It's happening all over again! (the wheels start spinning) Thirty-six hours...thirty-six hours...a girl could have a miscarriage in thirty-six hours, I think.

(In the next scene, Delia is lying on the bed with the phone and has dialed a number. Alicia picks up the phone.)

ALICIA: Obstetric GYN clinic, Ms. Nieves.

DELIA: (phased, but not missing a beat) Yeah, I wonder if you could give me some information over the phone?

ALICIA: We will try to help you, if we can.

DELIA: Well, I have this very weird question. Of course, my sister-in-law is very weird, you know? I think she just faked a miscarriage.

ALICIA: I beg your pardon?

DELIA: Oh, well you see, my brother married this girl and she claimed that she was pregnant - that's why he got married to her - and he went on this thirty-six hour business trip and she claimed that she had a miscarriage. Now, I think she's faking. Would a doctor be able to tell?

ALICIA: (puzzled) I'm afraid that I cannot answer that, but I can try to find someone to ask. Uh, just one moment, please?

DELIA: Thank you very much.

(Alicia puts the phone down and walks off, and Delia puts the phone down and starts doing her nails.)

ALICIA: Hello?

DELIA: (picking up the phone) Ah, yeah, yeah, I'm still here.

ALICIA: The doctor said that if your sister were having a regular period at the time that she claimed to miscarry, and if she claimed the miscarriage happened at least twelve hours before she saw the doctor, there would be no way to tell for sure.

DELIA: (grinning) Twelve hours?


DELIA: And no one would know? I'll bet that's just what she did! Thank you very much.

(Alicia hangs up the phone, looking very confused.)

DELIA: Delia, you know, sometimes you really are a genius.

(She puts the phone on the nightstand, lies down, and goes back to her nails and her chocolates.)

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