Jack's Drunken Ramblings At His Bachelor Party
(Jack's bachelor party is being held at the bar. Jumbo is sitting at the bar with Johnny, and Kathleen's husband, Art, is talking to Jack. Jumbo downs a glass of Irish whiskey.)
JOHNNY: Bellissimo? Beautiful, right? Beautiful! Now you see that, Jack? With some people, you speak the same language, right off the bat. And I'm not just saying that because you like my Irish, although I must say, I have a soft spot in my heart for people who like good whiskey.
JACK: (to Art) You and I both know that "bellissima" really means, "Hey, don't you have any wine, Mister?"
(Johnny looks annoyed, but just then Frank comes over and starts talking to Jumbo.)
FRANK: Hey, Jumbo? Listen, I spent a lot of time down in Little Italy, and one of my first assignments when I was on the police force was directing traffic in the San Genaro Festival. Can you imagine? It took me a little while to realize, it's just impossible!
JOHNNY: Yeah, that's right.
PAT: That's where he learned how to really eat Italian food. When he discovered zeppoli, it was close to a religious experience.
JOHNNY: Hey, Frank, what was the name of that place you got the zeppoli from?
ART: (to Jack) It'll be easier to talk over here.
JACK: (walking over to a table with Art) And easier to breathe, too. Johnny never recovered from the fact that I'm a bourben drinker.
ART: I don't much like Irish whiskey either.
JACK: How do you get away with being different?
ART: Well, I don't make an issue of it.
JACK: In other words, you lie. (Art starts to protest.) No, no, no, that's okay. I wish I'd had the good sense to do the same.
ART: Jack, I'd like to have a word with you about Dad?
ART: (smiles) Johnny. He's not an easy man to find yourself related to. Uh, Kathleen told me that you two were having problems, and I just thought you'd be interested to know that I went through it, too.
JACK: You're kidding! I thought that you were Johnny's ideal son-in-law.
ART: Now, maybe! Five years ago, he just barely tolerated me. If I was Kathleen's heart's desire, he figured she was losing her mind!
JACK: (laughs uproariously) Are you gonna tell me the secret to your success? It's gotta be more than a diplomatic approach to Irish whiskey.
ART: Ah, it was. I think the very best thing I did was move to Pittsburgh.
JACK: Well, unfortunately, Mary and I can't pack up and leave. Our jobs are both tied to this city.
ART: Yeah, that is rough. There's always the suburbs. Commuting's no problem, and that would put some distance between you and Johnny. (Jack looks at him like he is from another planet.) Actually, it just takes a few years for things to straighten out. Til they do, you just go around Dad, if you know what I mean.
JACK: Go around him, instead of through him?
ART: Exactly! Then you and Mary have kids, buy yourself a nice house, and Dad will see that his little girl is safe with you. (pats Jack on the back) That's all he's really worried about!
JACK: (sipping his bourben) House and kids, huh?
ART: Sure! Once he realizes that the marriage is solid and there's a sense of tradition and structure, just as there was in...
JACK: The mortgage gets paid every month, the lawn gets mowed...
ART: Right! You've got a savings account, a few investments, maybe. Things settle down, and one day you wake up and find out that Johnny Ryan's your biggest fan!
JACK: Ohhhh, yippee! It all sounds so planned and permanent. Tell me something? Don't you ever get the feeling that your feet are embedded in concrete?
ART: Depends on how you look at it.
JACK: You really like all this "structure and tradition"?
ART: I think it's the way to raise a family.
JACK: Hmm...yeah, but is it the way to be alive! You know, I like you, Artie (pats him on the shoulder) and because I like you I'm going to help you. I'm gonna tell you about the other approach to life; my approach. Now, you don't sit down and outline the years - you go out and experience them. You try to fly, just a little bit. First thing you need is another one of these, hmmm?
(Jack picks up the empty glasses and heads for the bar.)
ART: (following him) Jack...
JACK: (to Johnny) Hey, guess what! Old Artie here tells me that you're going to be my very best buddy - in a year, or two, or three, or four... What do you think about that?
JOHNNY: I think that's the best news I've heard in years, Jack, years.
(Over in the crowd, Frank and Pat are keeping an eye on Johnny and Jack.)
PAT: Time for a song?
FRANK: Well, I think we're alright so far, but I think we'd better keep watching, keep close.
(A bit later, Jack is trying to talk to Frank, but is too drunk to get the words out. Bob calls Frank over.)
FRANK: Right back.
JACK: Frankie, don't go away, we've got to talk about insurance policies and baby shoes and stuff!
(Later, Jack is even more drunk, and has a cigarette in his mouth.)
JACK: (shouting) Folks! Folks, it's been real, but...I had a whale of a good time, but I've got to give a little thought to my beauty sleep. (puts his arm around Art's neck) Old Artie and me, we've got some errands to do, and then I'm gonna go home and get some sleep.
JOHNNY: Hey, wait a minute, you don't have to go yet! It's early, here! Come on!
JACK: Well, no, no, no, we've got to rustle up some stocks and bonds and get us a credit check and see if we can pick up a lawnmower somewhere. Right, uh, cognato?
ART: (humoring him) Right, anything you say.
JACK: What we've really got to do - what we've really got to do! - is we've gotta see Wall Street by moonlight! Hey, Artie has only known daytime Wall Street, he's never seen Wall Street at night. I'm gonna show him Wall Street at night. Unspeakable pleasures await! We'll...uh...we start with the Trinity Square Cemetary! Do you know that Alexander Hamilton is buried there! And, uh, uh, Robert Fulton! And many other illustrious Americans whose spirits will welcome us on this bicentennial year. (staring at his glass) "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, all men, great and small, come to the same end." (laughs) Therefore, in the short time that we have left on this planet, Artie, baby, we gotta live a little! We gotta run away from all that concrete! Artie understands what I'm talking about. (pats Johnny on the shoulder) This man is in desperate need of help.
ART: I'm game. Come on.
(They start to leave with Art helping Jack stand up straight. Frank stops them on the way out.)
FRANK: Hey, come on, stay a while. Have some coffee, and I'll go home with you later, alright?
JACK: I'm not going home. I thought we're going to Wall Street? I'm gonna show Artie the stock exchange like he's never seen it.
FRANK: That, uh, sounds intriguing. How about I go along with you, huh?
JACK: You're a nice man. (pats him on the shoulder) You're a nice man. Good night. (shouts) Thank you, one and all! Johnny? (woozy) I've enjoyed our evening together.
(He shakes Johnny's hand.)
JOHNNY: Look, I don't want you leaving like this!
JACK: Me neither. I'd rather leave on my roller skates, but I've, uh, left them at home. (laughs) Next time, huh?
(Frank and Art confer in the corner.)
FRANK: Look, the best way to get out of this is to just put him in a cab and take him home. I'll take care of Kathleen, take her to the hotel.
(Art goes over and nabs Jack.)
ART: Good night, everybody. See you tomorrow, bright and early.
(He escorts Jack out the door.)
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