Trapped in the Cellar at Ryan's,
Jack and Mary Reunite
(It is the night of Frank's reelection to the city council, and Maeve, Tom, Faith, Frank, et al have come up with an elaborate plan to reunite Jack and Mary by locking them in the basement of the bar until they can work out their problems. Jack's former "Da-in-law" is, of course, completely in the dark about this. Maeve has just sent Mary down to the basement to look for a special case of Irish whiskey to celebrate Frank's victory when Jack arrives, on-schedule, after Frank has promised him a once-in-a-lifetime news story to get him to meet him there. Bob is sitting at the bar when Jack walks in.)
MAEVE: (to Bob) Say a prayer that I do this one right.
(She comes out from behind the bar and over to Jack.)
MAEVE: Jack! Don't be standing there in the draft, man, come on in!
JACK: You sure Johnny's not around? Or Mary or Desmond?
MAEVE: (smiling innocently) Johnny called me from campaign headquarters not three minutes ago, and as for Mary, it's Election Night. Where do you think she'd be? And I haven't seem Tom Desmond since early this morning. Oh, by the way, did you catch Mary's interview with Frank on Channel R tonight?
JACK: Yeah, it was pretty good.
MAEVE: Pretty good, man? It was better than pretty good, if I do say so, being their mother. (leads him over to the bar) You know, sometimes it just amazes me that they're bright and energetic and photogenetic too.
(Jack laughs reluctantly.)
BOB: How you doing, Jack? How's it going?
JACK: Not bad, Detective, how about you?
BOB: Pretty darn good, given the news from the clubhouse.
JACK: Yeah, looks like old Frank's gonna clean up on this one. Listen, either one of you have any idea what this interview is he has for me, huh?
(He checks his watch.)
MAEVE: (nervously) We do, but we're not free to discuss it.
BOB: Yeah, I wouldn't ask Maeve. You might be putting her on the spot.
MAEVE: (laughs) All I'm free to tell you is it's an opportunity of a lifetime.
BOB: Oh, yeah.
MAEVE: And that Frank is very happy to be able to arrange it for you.
JACK: Yeah, well, where is he, anyway? He told me to be here at 9:15 sharp.
MAEVE: Oh, don't fit it, man, he'll be here any minute!
BOB: (looking through his pockets) Yeah, I've got some darn notes to give him - messages and things. I won't mess up your interview, I just want to hand them to him and take off, if I can find it.
JACK: I suppose Ryan's asleep, huh?
MAEVE: Oh, yes, that troublesome tooth came through this morning. She was very relieved to go off to sleep right after supper. Uh, Jack, would you mind doing me a favor?
MAEVE: I guess I mentioned that my back's been bothering me terribly lately.
MAEVE: Well, down in the basement, there are six bottles of Irish whiskey that my brother-in-law sent me for special occasions, and I just have a feeling that tonight's gonna be very special for Francis. The only problem is, the carton they're in is buried under a half a dozen other things and, with my back, if I could avoid lifting, I would like to, so could we leave Bob here to watch out for Frank, and would you just go down to the basement with me and help me take those things out?
JACK: Okay, yeah.
MAEVE: I mean, it won't take more than three minutes, I promise. Bob, when Francis comes, tell him where we are, hmm?
BOB: Okay, great.
MAEVE: Now, as long as I have you in my employ, would you be so good to take these cartons down with you too.
(She points to some stuff piled up on the bar.)
MAEVE: I've been trying to get them downstairs all day. There's blankets and pillows and a few other things.
JACK: (takes off his jacket) Yeah, well, I guess I can handle that, huh?
(He picks up the boxes, and she leads him into the kitchen.)
MAEVE: Well, you'll see what my problem is, when you get down there.
(Jack enters the kitchen and Bob gives Maeve the thumbs up as she goes along after him. They get to the basement.)
JACK: I've never been down in the basement before!
MAEVE: (whispering) This basement has quite a history. I really don't know what we'd do without it - for storage, of course, but when the children were little it made a great playroom.
JACK: (whispering) Why are you whispering?
MAEVE: I don't know. I didn't realize I was. Well, now, here.
(She opens a door.)
MAEVE: Go on straight in.
(He goes in.)
JACK: Hey, there's a light on in here.
MAEVE: Yes, so there is!
JACK: Where do you want this stuff?
MAEVE: I don't want them, darling, but you probably will. Good night!
(She quickly opens the door and leaves, shutting it behind her.)
MARY: (who isn't visible) Ma?
(She comes around a corner.)
JACK: (stunned) Mary!
(They both look at the door.)
JACK: What the hell's going on around here? Maeve!
(They hear the door lock and they stare at each other in horror.)
JACK: (putting down the boxes) Come on! Hey, hey, hey, Maeve! Let me out of here! Maeve!
(He bangs on the door.)
JACK: She locked us in.
(They stare at each other, both having no clue what is going on but not very happy. Upstairs, Johnny returns from Frank's campaign headquarters with Frank, Tom, and Bob, and Maeve informs everyone but Johnny that everything went according to plan, with Maeve remarking to Tom that if this does not work out, Mary might never speak to either of them. Back downstairs, Jack and Mary are still reeling.)
MARY: She wouldn't!
JACK: Well, she just did.
MARY: But why?
JACK: You're asking me? (gets in her face) Listen, is this your idea of some kind of joke?
MARY: My idea? Are you out of your mind? I'm supposed to think it's a joke to be locked up with you in my family's basement? Get out of my way, Fenelli!
(She pushes him aside and goes to the door herself and starts pounding and yelling.)
MARY: Mother! Come down here and let me out! Ma! Ma, can you hear me? It's Mary, let me out!
(Jack looks taken aback that Mary does not want to be locked in a room with him. Mary finally gives up pounding.)
MARY: This is ridiculous. If she's upstairs she can't hear anything.
JACK: Has she gone crazy or what?
MARY: I don't know! Anything's possible. (sitting down)
JACK: It's Frank!
MARY: (getting up, excitedly, as if Frank being down there with them might make the situation better for her) Where?
JACK: No, not here, it's a setup! They're in this together. They're both crazy! Your whole damn family's crazy!
MARY: What are you babbling about, Fenelli?
JACK: I get a call from Frank this morning. He tells me he's got the story of a lifetime, he gives me an exclusive, only I've gotta do the interview at Ryan's! Ahah, at 9:15 sharp, he promised me that neither you or Da are gonna be in the bar, right? I arrive right on time, but no Frank. Maeve gives me a sad story about her back hurting her and brings me down here for about six bottles of Irish whiskey somewhere under the damn junk...
MARY: She sent me down here a few minutes before you got here for the same six bottles of Irish.
JACK: Did Frank promise you a story too?
MARY: No, I was supposed to meet Tom at 9:00.
JACK: What's Desmond got to do with it?
MARY: How am I supposed to know!
JACK: What the hell do they think they're doing?
MARY: (sarcastically) They've locked us in the basement, honey.
JACK: The question is why, smarty pants.
(They stare each other off for a few seconds, then Jack starts looking around.)
JACK: Is there another way out of here?
MARY: (hopelessly) No.
JACK: Yeah, well, there has to be!
MARY: There isn't! (realizes) Jack!
JACK: (annoyed) Yeah?
MARY: (stunned) I know why. They're trying to get us together!
MARY: They've decided we need to talk to one another, and if they lock us down here long enough, we'll work things out.
JACK: (seething) Oh, you've gotta be kidding!
MARY: (shakes her head) No, that's it. I know it!
(She looks around and opens the boxes Jack carried, and starts removing the contents.)
MARY: Look! Look at this! Look at all this stuff! Cheese, fruit, bread...wine!
JACK: (in disbelief) How long are they planning to keep us here?
MARY: Days? Weeks? Who knows?
JACK: Oh, that's impossible. I mean it, Mary! It's illegal. I mean, Frank's not that stupid. I mean, he'd get in real trouble mucking around like that! And why would Tom "Terrific" Desmond want to bring the two of us together again?
(Mary clutches her head.)
JACK: Unless you put him up to it?
MARY: (turns around, seeing red) Me?
JACK: Maybe you haven't given up after all. Ooohh, maybe there's still hope in that girlish bosom of yours that your errant husband will see the error of his ways!
MARY: (furious) You are not my husband! You have divorced me, you have annulled me, you don't want me anymore, and the only hope I have as far as you're concerned is once we're out of here I never have to see your face again! Is that clear?
JACK: Perfectly, perfectly clear! Thank you! Too bad you can't explain it all to the know-it-all Ryans!
MARY: Alright, it is crazy! And I still can't believe they actually did it. But the fact is that they care enough about me to try and get me what they think I want! When was the last time someone cared enough about you to inconvenience themselves, Fenelli?
JACK: Themselves? Themselves? I'm the one that's stuck down here in this dungeon!!! And if I don't get my column in on time, my editor's gonna be damn inconvenienced, too! They're not a family, they're a steamroller!
MARY: Oh, lay off, will you?
JACK: Yeah, come on, admit it, admit it: I'm entitled this one time! I'm entitled - admit it, Mary! Ma, Frank, Bobby, Tom - yeah I guess I can include Desmond, Da's been trying to shoehorn him into the family for months, ha? - this one time, this once, they're outrageous! They're arrogant! They're heavy handed! (loudly) They're pig-headed Irish!!!
MARY: (seeting semi-quietly) Oh, I want to hit you! I want to hit you so bad, my teeth hurt!
JACK: Go ahead!
MARY: And give you an excuse to break my neck? Not on your life!
JACK: Awww, come on Mary, come on just, admit it, say it just once, out loud, you'll feel so good, ha! (at the top of his lungs) The Ryans are wrong!!!
MARY: You are the biggest fool on the face of this earth!
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